The emotions that have surfaced at the end of this school were a surprise to me. I was never a person that was easily moved to tears, but man, having kids sure has changed that. It even seems that with each passing year I am more and more of a softy. I used to give my mom such a hard time when emotional movies were on and I would catch her crying. Now it is apparently my turn.
I didn't cry at the start of kindergarten. I was so excited for Caden, he was too! He had a normal amount of fear for the beginning of something new. Mornings were rough pretty much every day this year. I couldn't get him out of bed, he didn't want to go. He started having more issues with his clothes telling me they hurt or were uncomfortable. We fought....yes, we fought over clothes....silly now when I look back at it. We fought about his stuffed animals coming with him until we found a solution of them just coming in the car or to my class room during they school day. We didn't have a typical drop off since his room is about 10 feet from my classroom. we went through ups and downs with 'drop-off.' Some days he went easily, others were very difficult. He would pout, get angry and tell me 'I just need to be with you.' It was heart-breaking and also infuriating. I was upset that this wasn't getting any easier.....maybe even worse over time.
Last Friday Caden was going to experience his first field day. He had talked about quite a bit at home and the morning of the fun, as we pulled in to the parking lot he saw all the stuff set up and he said he was so excited to have his first field day. I was so happy for him. I was so upset for him when his session was almost cancelled due to thunderstorms and rain....but thank goodness it stopped. It was wet but it was going to be fun.
Boy was I wrong!
What I witnessed brought me to tears when I told my husband later that night. When the kids were released to play, Caden just stood there with a look of fear and shock. He was frozen until he saw me with my student. He came over to me with the sour look on his face that I know so well when he is having a hard time. He said he didn't have a friend to play with...then, he didn't like the games, then, he didn't want to get wet....the list of complaints went on and on. Two kids asked him to go play but he froze up, made a sour face and said no.
In my gut I know he wanted to participate but there was no amount of coaxing that was going to change his mind. I let him walk with me for a few minutes before I made up a lie that my student needed to go in. (Sometimes he does a better job if I'm not around.) I asked a friend to go check on him. She said he had found a group to be with but wasn't playing games...just kind of following them around. When I made it back out he was following a peer's mom until he saw me again. He said, I just want this to be over, i hate field day.
Then this last week had two of the worst days all year. Every day he flat out told me he wasn't going to school. He had a headache or tummy ache. We would eventually get through it but I would end up so mad....mad at myself mostly for getting so upset with him. One day was particularly bad. His dad was able to talk with him and Caden agreed he was sad the year was almost over. He said he got really sad when they watched photos of the year (and he began crying again) with his class. His dad had to explain how there is a good sad, when you feel happy about all the memories you have made.
The last few days remained difficult but a little easier after he voice what was bothering him. We talked to him about how he would see kids next year and even get to see his teacher in the hall and visit her sometimes.
I wrote this originally during those final days of the school year but never posted it. Now here I am thinking about how summer is winding down. What will this year be like? Better? More difficult? I know he will get through this and so will I but I hope it gets easier!
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