being "uncomfortable"

I have been dealing with my own struggles, admitting the difficulties Caden has and how much they seem to be growing.  He is now nervous even going to familiar places, if there is anyone he doesn't know...or even if he feels uncomfortable.  He has a difficult time entering a space if there is a group of people there already.  I already wrote one post about him at the end of the year but as I wrote that more and more instances of anxious like behaviors popped in my head....

a birthday party he was SOO excited for but took over half of the time to warm up and join in the fun. I could see on his face how badly he wanted to join but just couldn't.

a music program he was so excited about until he saw the crowd (to be honest I was amazed he even when on stage)  but he stood there with a scowl on his face.

a family gathering where he couldn't get out of the car because he was "uncomfortable" with so many people being at the entrance.

another family party where he accidentally named his aunt by another aunt's name.  When corrected he crossed his arms, turned away and put the familiar scowl on  his face.  All unfortunate timing as we were all saying goodbyes and now he couldn't/wouldn't do it.

The first day of swimming lessons were a joke.  we was jumping up and down excited the night before, then the morning of he had a stomach ache.  and then a headache.  I hate dismissing his aches as I know they are probably real due to being nervous but I also don't want to play them up.  On the walk up to the pool the familiar scowl was forming and his arms were slowing pulling tighter across his chest.  He started to tell me he wasn't going to do lessons.  Then he found out he had a boy coach.  (i thought it was cool....its so rare to get a boy coach or teacher!) It took me over half the lesson to get him anywhere near the coach and other student.  Luckily it was hot and I was able to use that as a way to get him in the water....but once he was in he didn't listen. Every time the coach looked at him or talked to him, Caden would turn away or go under the water.  I felt horrible for the teenage coach!  I also felt awkward for myself because Caden appears to be such a mean kid when he is 'uncomfortable.' Of course I felt horrible for Caden as he struggled to engage and feel comfortable.

Day 2 was slightly better, day 3 was rained out.  Day 4 he got a new coach because the other was gone.  I fully expected to start a new battle since anything 'new' seems to be a trigger.  but nope, he joined right in and did awesome.  We decided to do another week since we finally got started.  then disappointment when the new coach wasn't there.....but Caden surprised me again by adapting to the new girl coach.  those days were awesome.

He was able to tell me he didn't like the boy coach (but couldn't tell me why) he also told me he didn't like the girl because she kept looking at him. He didn't want her watching because she might be better or see him do it wrong. (my heart breaks a little each time he is able actually tell me these things)   today i was able to snap a quick photo of Caden with his 3rd coach while they sat and chatted in between dives.  He needs that person that will do that...connect with him.  He likes to talk....a lot...once he is comfortable.

yikes, where is this going?

The emotions that have surfaced at the end of this school were a surprise to me.  I was never a person that was easily moved to tears, but man, having kids sure has changed that.  It even seems that with each passing year I am more and more of a softy.  I used to give my mom such a hard time when emotional movies were on and I would catch her crying.  Now it is apparently my turn.

I didn't cry at the start of kindergarten. I was so excited for Caden, he was too!  He had a normal amount of fear for the beginning of something new.  Mornings were rough pretty much every day this year.  I couldn't get him out of bed, he didn't want to go.  He started having more issues with his clothes telling me they hurt or were uncomfortable.  We fought....yes, we fought over clothes....silly now when I look back at it.  We fought about his stuffed animals coming with him until we found a solution of them just coming in the car or to my class room during they school day.  We didn't have a typical drop off since his room is about 10 feet from my classroom.  we went through ups and downs with 'drop-off.'  Some days he went easily, others were very difficult. He would pout, get angry and tell me 'I just need to be with you.'  It was heart-breaking and also infuriating.  I was upset that this wasn't getting any easier.....maybe even worse over time.

Last Friday Caden was going to experience his first field day.  He had talked about quite a bit at home and the morning of the fun, as we pulled in to the parking lot he saw all the stuff set up and he said he was so excited to have his first field day.  I was so happy for him.  I was so upset for him when his session was almost cancelled due to thunderstorms and rain....but thank goodness it stopped. It was wet but it was going to be fun.
Boy was I wrong!
What I witnessed brought me to tears when I told my husband later that night.  When the kids were released to play, Caden just stood there with a look of fear and shock.  He was frozen until he saw me with my student. He came over to me with the sour look on his face that I know so well when he is having a hard time.  He said he didn't have a friend to play with...then, he didn't like the games, then, he didn't want to get wet....the list of complaints went on and on.  Two kids asked him to go play but he froze up, made a sour face and said no.
In my gut I know he wanted to participate but there was no amount of coaxing that was going to change his mind.  I let him walk with me for a few minutes before I made up a lie that my student needed to go in.  (Sometimes he does a better job if I'm not around.)  I asked a friend to go check on him. She said he had found a group to be with but wasn't playing games...just kind of following them around.  When I made it back out he was following a peer's mom until he saw me again.  He said, I just want this to be over, i hate field day.

Then this last week had two of the worst days all year.  Every day he flat out told me he wasn't going to school.  He had a headache or tummy ache.  We would eventually get through it but I would end up so mad....mad at myself mostly for getting so upset with him.   One day was particularly bad.  His dad was able to talk with him and Caden agreed he was sad the year was almost over.  He said he got really sad when they watched photos of the year (and he began crying again) with his class.  His dad had to explain how there is a good sad, when you feel happy about all the memories you have made.

The last few days remained difficult but a little easier after he voice what was bothering him.  We talked to him about how he would see kids next year and even get to see his teacher in the hall and visit her sometimes.

I wrote this originally during those final days of the school  year but never posted it.  Now here I am thinking about how summer is winding down.  What will this year be like?  Better? More difficult?  I know he will get through this and so will I but I hope it gets easier!

Love yourself

Here I am trying to get back into writing on this blog, to get back to the positives in my life. And to document the moments, that are so sweet, it is amazing that they somehow get forgotten in the muck of difficult things that are happening.

Today I am writing about Caden, who is about to be 6, but has grown so much over this year.  He has made me nuts but also has helped me grow as a parent.  More on his wonderfulness for a birthday post to come.

Yesterday, he had his 2nd spring soccer practice.  Last fall we did soccer and every week there were arguments, avoidance and frustration for both him and us.  This spring I had anxiety about what it was going to be like each week.  The first week was rough but ended on a good note.  The first game was amazing.  So yesterday I wondered what it would be like.  We gave him our typical talk, "You can play until we call you over to practice.  We should only have to ask 1 time."  He did it (to be honest I don't even know if we asked him one time or he did it on his own.)!

The best part was the drive home.  I told him we (dad and I) were so proud of how hard he worked during soccer.  He excitedly stated "You only had to tell me 1 time!"  I agreed and said that we were proud of him and he was so brave for doing it all by himself this time. He didn't need us to go with him on the field.  

I asked him if he was proud of himself and he said "YES!"  Then what followed came as a surprise and seems so thought provoking, for an almost 6 year old boy.

"It is important to love yourself, mom."  I agreed and said yes it was very important to love yourself.  He then asked what happened if you didn't.  I said sometimes things make people feel sad and then they try to work on fixing those things so they can feel good again.

I love when these little things happen that make me realize what a sensitive soul he is and how thoughtful he can be.  I have a feeling he thinks about stuff like this a lot. I see it here and there in the way he questions and talks about experiences.

As with most parents, I make mistakes in my parenting choices and I wonder how it will affect my kids in the long run of life.  Then, these moments happen and I realize we are doing it right, enough of the time, that we have fantastic kids.