being "uncomfortable"

I have been dealing with my own struggles, admitting the difficulties Caden has and how much they seem to be growing.  He is now nervous even going to familiar places, if there is anyone he doesn't know...or even if he feels uncomfortable.  He has a difficult time entering a space if there is a group of people there already.  I already wrote one post about him at the end of the year but as I wrote that more and more instances of anxious like behaviors popped in my head....

a birthday party he was SOO excited for but took over half of the time to warm up and join in the fun. I could see on his face how badly he wanted to join but just couldn't.

a music program he was so excited about until he saw the crowd (to be honest I was amazed he even when on stage)  but he stood there with a scowl on his face.

a family gathering where he couldn't get out of the car because he was "uncomfortable" with so many people being at the entrance.

another family party where he accidentally named his aunt by another aunt's name.  When corrected he crossed his arms, turned away and put the familiar scowl on  his face.  All unfortunate timing as we were all saying goodbyes and now he couldn't/wouldn't do it.

The first day of swimming lessons were a joke.  we was jumping up and down excited the night before, then the morning of he had a stomach ache.  and then a headache.  I hate dismissing his aches as I know they are probably real due to being nervous but I also don't want to play them up.  On the walk up to the pool the familiar scowl was forming and his arms were slowing pulling tighter across his chest.  He started to tell me he wasn't going to do lessons.  Then he found out he had a boy coach.  (i thought it was cool....its so rare to get a boy coach or teacher!) It took me over half the lesson to get him anywhere near the coach and other student.  Luckily it was hot and I was able to use that as a way to get him in the water....but once he was in he didn't listen. Every time the coach looked at him or talked to him, Caden would turn away or go under the water.  I felt horrible for the teenage coach!  I also felt awkward for myself because Caden appears to be such a mean kid when he is 'uncomfortable.' Of course I felt horrible for Caden as he struggled to engage and feel comfortable.

Day 2 was slightly better, day 3 was rained out.  Day 4 he got a new coach because the other was gone.  I fully expected to start a new battle since anything 'new' seems to be a trigger.  but nope, he joined right in and did awesome.  We decided to do another week since we finally got started.  then disappointment when the new coach wasn't there.....but Caden surprised me again by adapting to the new girl coach.  those days were awesome.

He was able to tell me he didn't like the boy coach (but couldn't tell me why) he also told me he didn't like the girl because she kept looking at him. He didn't want her watching because she might be better or see him do it wrong. (my heart breaks a little each time he is able actually tell me these things)   today i was able to snap a quick photo of Caden with his 3rd coach while they sat and chatted in between dives.  He needs that person that will do that...connect with him.  He likes to talk....a lot...once he is comfortable.

yikes, where is this going?

The emotions that have surfaced at the end of this school were a surprise to me.  I was never a person that was easily moved to tears, but man, having kids sure has changed that.  It even seems that with each passing year I am more and more of a softy.  I used to give my mom such a hard time when emotional movies were on and I would catch her crying.  Now it is apparently my turn.

I didn't cry at the start of kindergarten. I was so excited for Caden, he was too!  He had a normal amount of fear for the beginning of something new.  Mornings were rough pretty much every day this year.  I couldn't get him out of bed, he didn't want to go.  He started having more issues with his clothes telling me they hurt or were uncomfortable.  We fought....yes, we fought over clothes....silly now when I look back at it.  We fought about his stuffed animals coming with him until we found a solution of them just coming in the car or to my class room during they school day.  We didn't have a typical drop off since his room is about 10 feet from my classroom.  we went through ups and downs with 'drop-off.'  Some days he went easily, others were very difficult. He would pout, get angry and tell me 'I just need to be with you.'  It was heart-breaking and also infuriating.  I was upset that this wasn't getting any easier.....maybe even worse over time.

Last Friday Caden was going to experience his first field day.  He had talked about quite a bit at home and the morning of the fun, as we pulled in to the parking lot he saw all the stuff set up and he said he was so excited to have his first field day.  I was so happy for him.  I was so upset for him when his session was almost cancelled due to thunderstorms and rain....but thank goodness it stopped. It was wet but it was going to be fun.
Boy was I wrong!
What I witnessed brought me to tears when I told my husband later that night.  When the kids were released to play, Caden just stood there with a look of fear and shock.  He was frozen until he saw me with my student. He came over to me with the sour look on his face that I know so well when he is having a hard time.  He said he didn't have a friend to play with...then, he didn't like the games, then, he didn't want to get wet....the list of complaints went on and on.  Two kids asked him to go play but he froze up, made a sour face and said no.
In my gut I know he wanted to participate but there was no amount of coaxing that was going to change his mind.  I let him walk with me for a few minutes before I made up a lie that my student needed to go in.  (Sometimes he does a better job if I'm not around.)  I asked a friend to go check on him. She said he had found a group to be with but wasn't playing games...just kind of following them around.  When I made it back out he was following a peer's mom until he saw me again.  He said, I just want this to be over, i hate field day.

Then this last week had two of the worst days all year.  Every day he flat out told me he wasn't going to school.  He had a headache or tummy ache.  We would eventually get through it but I would end up so mad....mad at myself mostly for getting so upset with him.   One day was particularly bad.  His dad was able to talk with him and Caden agreed he was sad the year was almost over.  He said he got really sad when they watched photos of the year (and he began crying again) with his class.  His dad had to explain how there is a good sad, when you feel happy about all the memories you have made.

The last few days remained difficult but a little easier after he voice what was bothering him.  We talked to him about how he would see kids next year and even get to see his teacher in the hall and visit her sometimes.

I wrote this originally during those final days of the school  year but never posted it.  Now here I am thinking about how summer is winding down.  What will this year be like?  Better? More difficult?  I know he will get through this and so will I but I hope it gets easier!

Love yourself

Here I am trying to get back into writing on this blog, to get back to the positives in my life. And to document the moments, that are so sweet, it is amazing that they somehow get forgotten in the muck of difficult things that are happening.

Today I am writing about Caden, who is about to be 6, but has grown so much over this year.  He has made me nuts but also has helped me grow as a parent.  More on his wonderfulness for a birthday post to come.

Yesterday, he had his 2nd spring soccer practice.  Last fall we did soccer and every week there were arguments, avoidance and frustration for both him and us.  This spring I had anxiety about what it was going to be like each week.  The first week was rough but ended on a good note.  The first game was amazing.  So yesterday I wondered what it would be like.  We gave him our typical talk, "You can play until we call you over to practice.  We should only have to ask 1 time."  He did it (to be honest I don't even know if we asked him one time or he did it on his own.)!

The best part was the drive home.  I told him we (dad and I) were so proud of how hard he worked during soccer.  He excitedly stated "You only had to tell me 1 time!"  I agreed and said that we were proud of him and he was so brave for doing it all by himself this time. He didn't need us to go with him on the field.  

I asked him if he was proud of himself and he said "YES!"  Then what followed came as a surprise and seems so thought provoking, for an almost 6 year old boy.

"It is important to love yourself, mom."  I agreed and said yes it was very important to love yourself.  He then asked what happened if you didn't.  I said sometimes things make people feel sad and then they try to work on fixing those things so they can feel good again.

I love when these little things happen that make me realize what a sensitive soul he is and how thoughtful he can be.  I have a feeling he thinks about stuff like this a lot. I see it here and there in the way he questions and talks about experiences.

As with most parents, I make mistakes in my parenting choices and I wonder how it will affect my kids in the long run of life.  Then, these moments happen and I realize we are doing it right, enough of the time, that we have fantastic kids.

summer is winding down

So it is with sadness (and a bit of denial) that I am sitting here thinking about summer coming to an end.  Yet another summer has gone by that I didn't do all the things I wanted to do. We didn't see family as much as I had hoped. My boys love seeing their cousins and always ask if we can go see them.  if only it wasn't a 9+ hour drive!!!

This summer was the most mild summer I have ever experienced in Kansas. I don't think we broke 100 once....even with a 'feels like' forecast.  We did manage to frequent the pool and get a nice tan. I am still baffled as to how Caden tans like he does....he clearly got the genes from other family than David and I!  Both boys are great swimmers. Caden was invited to consider joining the swim team clinic...to see if he could be on the team. He loves swimming....which isn't too different from his parents. I was the youngest kid on our swim team and never had an 'age group' to swim against!

We spent a fabulous week and half with family at the beginning of summer in Chicago.  We got to spend time with family and relax.  The boys had great time with their cousins.  They got to have a fun sleepover with Grandma Hope at my sister's house and then spent the morning at the zoo with Aunt Ceta, Clark and Stone.  Caden talks about them a lot and says he wishes they could come visit or we could go visit them.

The rest of our summer, due to the mild weather, had more camping trips....3 times, I think, which is a lot for a Kansas summer when you are tent camping!  All with people that have become like our family here.

This fall we are embarking on new territory....soccer and team sports.  I have avoided it with Caden's struggle with things being 'fair' or whatever the  moment brings him. BUT, it is time to see if putting him in more situations will help him overcome this.  He has all the sudden proclaimed that soccer is what he wants to do.  So soccer it is. We will try it.

Another new adventure...Coleman starts at the daycare his brother went to and is super excited.  Hopefully that remains true on the day we have our first drop off!  but he has been going there to pick up and drop off his brother for 3 years....hopefully that will help.  And Caden starts his school career. I still can NOT believe he is starting kindergarten. So far he is showing a normal level of anxiety and excitement.  He seems to like his new teacher (lucky him to have the chance to see her so often before the first day!) and he seems to relax knowing I will be there in the building.

I'm sure this year will bring a lot to write about...and hopefully I will actually get to writing about it!

A year later

(this is a long post but one I have been meaning to write for a long time)

One year and a day ago I stayed home with both boys because Coleman had been throwing up and having (sorry TMI) diarrhea for more than a day. Coleman seemed a little perkier and still had just a low grade fever but he actually wanted to eat, so I made something I thought his stomach could handle. 

I was in the kitchen making my breakfast when it was oddly quiet so I asked Caden what Coleman was doing. The words that he said didn't make sense "he is being silly and falling out of his chair."  I ran to see and what I found made my stomach drop. Coleman was literally hanging out of his booster seat (only because he did the buckle) with no movement.  I lifted his body up and his eyes were rolled back and it sounded like he was gasping for air.  Because he was eating I assumed he was choking and tried to perform the Heimlich maneuver. I was panicking and not remembering my CPR training.  I could not figure out how this was ever going to work because his body was limp.  I finally laid him on the floor and something in my brain clicked. I remembered to check his mouth for food and discovered his mouth was clenched shut and then quickly realized what was really happening. Coleman was having a seizure. I have watched videos and talked about them frequently because my job as a special education teacher. But I didn't recognize it at first (i think the fact he was eating threw me off).

It was a Grand Mal that lasted at least 2 minutes from when I found him but OH.MY GOD it felt like an eternity had gone by. His little body twitched and he gasped and sputtered for air.  I immediately called my husband and then called my school nurse. I don't know I didn't think to call 911.  The seizure had stopped but Coleman wasn't really 'coming out of it.'  He cried for me once and grunted a bit but overall was acting like he was asleep. 

David got home and tried to wake him...same response: cries out, says momma and then goes quiet and limp. My school nurse is the sweetest women and thank goodness for her ability to talk to me do calmly. She calmly told me that we should take him to the ER.  Caden luckily didn't take the moment to fight with us and got his shoes and coat.

At the ER they checked him out and said he seemed okay and it was normal for him to be so groggy.  He was waking a little more but was irritable.  They wanted to do blood work and a chest x-ray to make sure he hadn't aspirated food.  During the blood draw he screamed the most horrible wretched scream and went into another grand mal seizure in my arms.  I know they aren't likely to cause damage but to watch it happen on my little boy...who has NO KNOWN reason to have one was scary. Then nurses rushed in and there were probably 6 nurses rushing around us, getting oxygen on him, and calling for meds.  It was a stronger seizure and it lasted about 3 minutes.  Luckily Caden and David had gone to find a snack. We had called our wonderful friends to come get Caden for us. Before he left he wanted to say by to Coleman and me.  We had to explain that he had a special mask to help him breath and some tubes to give him medicine.  How scary could that be for a 3 year old to see?  He was sweet and kissed him on his head.  

Due to the second seizure we were transferred, in a really fancy ambulance to children's mercy in KC.  I went alone with him because David was going to bring our car and get us a few things from the house.  (all the while my good friend was upstairs in labor and delivery about to have an emergency c-section. Her little boy was born that day and marks my memory forever.  I was so worried about my son snd about my friend and her baby!!!!)

Coleman was miserable when he started to wake up....apparently the side effect of Valium.  it was horrible. He had a third seizure that evening this time on David's lap after screaming when I left the room.  Another Grand Mal that lasted about 2 minutes. They gave him another anti-seizure medication.

finally wanting to play

We stayed there for 2.5 days.   (partly due to a snow storm....there were not all staff available for non-emergency cases)  He had an EEG and the MRI was canceled due to normal EEG results.  He had some residual side effects from the seizures and medication. His balance was really off and walking like a baby who had just learned to walk. It scared me but the Dr. assured me it was likely due to brain swelling from having 3 major seizures.  We were SO glad to be discharged. The staff was great but the accommodations for sleeping in the room with him were less than desirable. They had no answer other than Febrile Seizures, even though he never had a documented fever of more than 99.5 throughout any of this. He lost a lot of weight those couple days but he has caught back up.

Caden had a little adventure and got to sleep at our friends house those 2 nights.  We felt horrible since he had never had a sleep over..with anyone but we are so grateful for those friends as it made Caden comfortable.  

He was so excited for this! Ride to the EEG.

fancy hat for EEG

Hilarious Hair post EEG 

Finally eating again.

all his bandaids...tough guy

Here we are a year later and the kid is perfect.....he is a chatty kid, energetic, trying my patience at every turn.  The wobbly legs took about 2 weeks to dissipate but it did. He runs a higher risk for future seizures but has not had any since that day.  I still get nervous when he has a fever but not as bad as before.  we have moved on and life returned to normal.

Overwhelmed!

My day started difficult and my work day ended on a particularly low note but thankfully I'm home where I want to be and with the ones that need me.

Caden called to me from his room before I even rolled out of bed....not a good sign. He ended up on the couch surrounded by his 'guys' and asked me to snuggle him and play (and while he always loves snuggles, this has been a increasingly frequent request). I told him I wished we could but we need to get ready for school.  And my heart broke a little when his lip curled under and he told me all he wanted was to be home with me.
I have spent the majority of this year working through very challenging behaviors at work (can't go into detail but I have a book worth of stories). I go to work most days with a smile on my face and find humor where i can because without it, I wouldn't make it.
So knowing what my day had in store, pushing my 4 year old off to school on a day (week) when he is clearly showing me how much he needs me and to be at home and then get to work and feel like some people don't respect me or value what I do or appreciate any of what I do makes it really rough to soldier on. (geez, that was a bit of a run on sentence but I don't really care)
After the down hill slide that was today it ended with multiple texts that my 2 year old doesn't feel good and I feel my heart jump a little like it does every time I think he really might be sick and it will lead to a seizure...it never has for almost a year but the fear lingers. So I am wanting nothing more than to go and swoop up my boys and never go back to work. They need me and right now, I want nothing more than to be there for them.

what's in your nose?

perfect picture to go with this memory

Caden seems to create a lot of valuable memories recently,  good, bad and hilarious.  Tonight's could have been a lot funnier than it was....if he hadn't thrown a fit in the beginning, middle and end.

Sitting at dinner, I happen to notice him shove a green bean in his nose.  It was out of genuine curiosity from what I could tell. The look on his face was priceless. Then he caught my eye, and tried to pick it out....which of course shoved it further up his nose.  I think I probably would have been laughing had he not just caused a scene about....carrying his plate, which utensil to use, what color his cup was, what vegetable HE got to choose (it was 'one of those days' today).

I promptly told him he should never put anything up his nose unless its saline spray for his nose (fast forward many years and that rule should be helpful in deciding whether or not to put anything in his nose, right?).
He immediately responded with "That's not fair."

Huh? What isn't fair? That I don't want you to put food/anything up your nose? It was a trap and I wasn't going to go down that road with him

He finally got out the bits of green bean after blowing his nose. (which due to the kind of mood he was in, of course, was not a simple task)

I said, "Sorry, I'm not being mean, I'm trying to keep you healthy."

and he responded with "yes, you are being mean!"

and like any other good parent (which I'm finding out lately, seem to be in short supply) I told him....
"Okay, you are right. I am being mean, but sometimes I am going to do things or say things that seem mean to you....but its because I am taking care of you."

Granted he is four and that lesson is a hard one learned. It took me til I was grown and teaching to realize what a great job my mom did in not giving me everything I wanted, and learning lessons that hard way...or apparently, the mean way.

I love you my sweet, sweet boy. you challenge me in ways I am not prepared for, but I love you just the same.