loss of a pet

A year ago in October we lost our dog, Nesta.  He had gotten out of our yard, unknown by us, and was killed by a car. It was very sad and hard to explain to our then 2.5 year old.  He wasn't sad, just confused. He asked daily where Nesta was and we had to repeat the story for him.  As time went by he asked less. He still talks about him on occasion 

Just 7 days ago we lost our cat.  We do not know what was wrong with her but our best guess is cancer.  She had been sick a few months earlier but seemed to get back to herself after a week.  The x-ray had shown a gray cloudy area in her abdomen.  During her time, we told Caden he needed to be gentle with her, she was sick. He never had much interest in the cats until then. All the sudden he wanted her to snuggle with him and would let her come into his room at night. Things went back to normal except Picasso started getting skinny. She had always been a FAT cat. In the back of my mind I knew something wasn't good about her losing weight. I mean, I had had her on diet cat food for most of her life and the cat never shed a pound.
Last Wednesday I was rushing us out the door and found her meowing on the floor. She didn't look good. I woke David up and told him what was happening and rushed the boys off to their school.  It killed me when I cam back and found Coleman squatting down petting her so sweetly.  He loved that cat..he was lay on her and snuggle her til she couldn't take it anymore and she never once hissed at him.

Sadly, I wasn't able to make it home before she passed away. I felt horrible.  I fully expected Caden to ask where she was when we got home since I had said she was sick again and needed to go to the Dr. but he didn't. David and I agreed we would tell him the next day. we were emotionally exhausted and it was Caden's bedtime....not a time to start a problem. Before we knew it days had passed. I felt guilty for not saying anything and that it was out of my own selfishness I didn't tell him. I began to wonder if he would ask.  All the sudden on Christmas Eve, Caden asked, "where is Picasso, Mommy?"  My heart broke. I pulled him into my lap and explained to him that she had been really old and really sick.  So sick that the Dr's couldn't make her better.  He was instantly sad. his lip trembled and he said, "I want Picasso, I want to see her." again my heart broke and I told him I felt the same way. We talked for probably 20 minutes (a record for a one topic conversation) and I tried my best to explain in terms a three year old would understand that we wouldn't see her anymore but we could still love her. She was in heaven with Nesta and Great Nana and Pops.  It was so sad to watch him try to understand and be sad but at the same time a little bit relieving. he was and is still so unaffected by Nesta's death because he was so little when it happened. But now, he has more attachments to things and emotions to go along with them.

 He told me just last night that he wanted Picasso and when I sad that I missed her too he said, " I want a new Picasso."  this fell right into line with his "i want a new Nesta." statements he makes. Someday sweet boy but then you will grow up with that dog and how will we ever cope with you as a weeping adolescent?

looking back

My grandmother, who we called Nana, passed away a few weeks ago.  She lived a loving 87 years.  I am grateful that I was able to make it down to visit her, with my boys, before she passed.  I didn't see her very much as she has lived away from me for most of my life.  I got to see her more in the last couple years since she lived closer but even then it wasn't very often.  Even though she wasn't someone I saw very often she left lasting memories in me.

There are so many things about her passing that have me thinking about how I raise my boys and the memories they will hold. Long story short....I have been looking at items in their estate to tag if I thought it was something of some kind of value to me.  They had beautiful artwork and furniture but most of it is not my style or wouldn't fit in my house. Something provoked a memory or two. There were only two things that I had a strong attachment to. One was a huge wood chest that used to hold the toys we played with at their house. I have always loved that chest.  Second was the ONLY thing that made me sad was seeing a photo of my Nana's hair brush. I know....it sounds weird.....

Growing up, my Nana had the most luxurious hair brushes...they cost over $100 each. And there was something about them that I loved. I loved when she brushed my hair. I remember how it made me feel, how it felt and even how it sounded as the brush ran through my hair.  It is funny how an everyday item lead me to such strong emotional memories. 

So what do I do with my boys or what do their grandparents do with them that is going to last a lifetime in memories?  It isn't how many things we shower them with...they forget about most the things that are given to them....heck, they will even forget about how an item made them feel when they received it. It is the interaction that they will remember above all else. 

My little wizard

Caden is growing up so fast and like I have said before, I have to remind myself that he is only 3 (and a half).  There are days I wish we could fly through this stage but maybe 3 is the lesser evil to some of the stages to come.  Other days I wish time would stand still and he would stay just like this for.ev.er.
here are a few funny and smarty pants things he has said in the last week or so.

1. Tonight (he told David) I have been with too many people today, I need some alone time.

2. While eating dinner he noticed he had 2 ice cubes in  his drink and (long story shortened) he said, "maybe there were four and two melted and two were left!"

3. in the car he stated he had one cracker in his school and 3 in the car...that makes 4.

Really...is this my 3 (and a half) year old saying this things?

One Proud Momma

Caden's preschool does parent teacher conferences. I don't know if all daycare centers do this but I love it.  I hate leaving him all day every day in the hands of other people. And being a teacher, it kills me that I want to be the one preparing him for his next 13 years of education (and then college).
  We loved his teacher in the Two's room and weren't so sure we were going to like his current teacher as much but Caden loves her.  He comes home with all sorts of stories that start with, "Mrs. M says... or Mrs. M told me...." I love it. I recently read a mom's blog about how much she hated her sons teacher because he looked up to her so much and she felt replaced.  I understand but don't agree.  I am thrilled that he respects his teacher and he learns from her.  He gives her hugs and talks about her all the time.

This was our second conference at his school but first with this teacher.  I already know my son but to hear someone else talk so positively about the attributes that we have worked hard to shape in him leaves me speechless.
"He is kind."
"He is curious in a patient way, he waits, watches and then asks questions."
"He uses his words to get what he wants."
"He uses words to solve problems and tell peers/adults how he feels."
Then there were things like, he has good balance (REALLY??? the kid that falls over ALL the time?) he has good gross and fine motor skills.

The one and only concern she stated to me was that she sees him being very vulnerable to behaviors good and bad. He will do what others are doing, good or bad. and I agree. It is the one thing that I want to work on. I don't want him being the kid that can be talked into doing naughty things....and right now that is him.
I have no worries about his academics, he already knows all but 3 letters and most his numbers to 10. He is showing interest in writing his name. He can count to 10. All I want from his time at pre-school is to learn how to be kind (check), to share (check), to question (check), to sit and listen (check) to use his words not hands to solve problems (check).

Caden you make me one proud Momma!!

Happy times

This weekend was fun and what I wish every weekend could be.  Happy kids, fantastic weather and fun times with some of my favorite people.
I have not been able to spend enough time outside getting my yard looking good again.  The grass is green after a nasty hot and dry summer. The gardens are starting to look better after some serious pruning and weeding.  there isn't enough time in the day to get it all done...play with the kids, clean the house, do the yard work.

Sunday we made it the pumpkin patch with our favorite friends.  Caden was beyond excited to pick out a pumpkin every one we passed was his new 'flavorite.' (it is much cuter when he says it)  Coleman was also very excited but preferred sitting in the wagon munching on kettle-corn...a boy after my own heart.  Here are some photos of our day

Boo Hoo, for me

I'm so thankful it is Friday night!  This week has been a long one. I have been tired beyond belief.  If I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant (nope, I am not...I'm sure of it)  I can barely keep my eyes open most the day.  My throat has hurt every night and makes it hard to sleep...and Coleman also makes it hard to sleep. I know, boo hoo for me.

Caden apparently has had a difficult week too.  Waking him up in the morning has been impossible, which is partly my fault. I can't get out of bed on time so I am late getting him up and the little guy needs his time to wake. He can NOT be rushed. Really, most his week has actually been pretty good and free of meltdowns.  He even got complements from two of his teachers at school. 1. He is so fun to have in class, he says the funniest things. 2. (lead teacher)I'm so impressed with him. He sits and listens to stories better than she would expect for his age.  I know he is a good kid and David and I are his hardest critics so it is good to be reminded from an outsider how enjoyable he is. (reminder to myself: enjoy the battles of being 3....it is part of 'joy' of being a mom)

Coleman had a good week during the day but apparently has decided to revert back to waking up and being extremely difficult to put back to sleep.  He finally got all 4 molars through but now I'm thinking the next tooth is coming. He is a joy to pick up at the end of the day. He runs to me yelling ma ma and smiling. and He apparently has a wonderful day everyday.

So here we are and the weekend is finally here.  I will probably end up in bed in the next hour. Hopefully the boys will get the much needed sleep they need and take the opportunity  to sleep past 7 (please, please boys)....but who am I kidding this is a post about poor little me, they will be up by 7.

On the bright side....we are going to experience the first Renaissance Festival we have gone to.  And, I get to spend the next two days loving on my three boys that I miss so much every other day of the week.  

I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to spend time with these handsome devils!

a little lesson

One thing I learned this summer....Hold it together in front of the kids.  I found my patience return after being a 'single parent' for a while. It isn't easy dealing with both boys on my own.  I was tired out some days but when I was able to hold in my frustration we got through it with a lot less crying and fewer fits.  And yes, I will admit that I can be included in the fit throwing =)  Caden is so sensitive, his emotions always in turmoil one wrong look and you can his spirit break just a little.  The wrong tone in your voice and you see his little soul crumble.  I have tried hard to pick and choose what I raise my voice about since being alone with him for almost 2 weeks.  I don't want to have a kid that thinks I yell too much (or really at all, but that is just unrealistic), or one that thinks he can't do things right. I have seen him raise his voice or use a tone with us and Coleman that resembles mine and David's and it makes me cringe because I know exactly where he learned it.   Oh the things we find reflected in our kids, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.

Second thing I learned this summer....I never want to be with out David. I mean vacation is fine but I knew, in the back of my mind, in those hard moments of being alone with the kids being fussy or whatever, that we were returning to normal when we got home. David would be waiting for our return.  I can not imagine a life in which that isn't how it would be.  David and I have been together for almost 14.5 years now and married for a little over 5 of them. He is my best friend, the person I can complain to about things that most don't feel like listening to. Heck, he may not always fully listen, but he lets me go on, and on til I'm done. 

You are my sunshine.

Third thing...I didn't really learn this, I already knew this but my vacation home brought it back to the forefront. I MISS MY FAMILY!!!  Being with my sister and her boys was great. Caden got to spend quality time with his cousin, Kingston. They are only 6 weeks apart so as they grow they will either love each other or hate each other...maybe a little of both.  Coleman got to meet (well all 3 of us really) his cousin, Clark, who is just a few months younger than him and who I hope will be his buddy as they grow up.  And, while dinners out with my dad and his wife always lead to some sort of drama, it was fun to have my siblings together with all the kids.  I don't know when or how but I will make it back to chicago more often and maybe someday we will move home.

the first real cut

So, it was a long time coming. Both boys got hair cuts at the end of the summer. Caden's hair was constantly tangled and was forming a lovely v shape in back. Length had nothing to do with it....well maybe a very small part. he is was always hot and sweaty with his hair glued to his face. He was learning to love the ponytail.   We/he loves his hair. BUT when we talked about cutting his hair he said he wanted 'little hair, like Daddy's.'  We are not ready to chop it off. and to be honest, I think he would want me to glue it back on.

nappyish bed-head.....most girls would kill for his hair!

notice it gains a few inches when it is wet...all brushed out and ready for a trim 

truth: i cut it too short. wasn't thinking about the curl factor. it is growing out already. He is still our hippie...just looks a little cleaner =)

For Coleman, it was getting a little frizzed out in back from constant bed head, he couldn't see, he was sweaty all the time! and looked a little goofy most days so he got a little trim.  It has only been a few weeks and it is almost grown back!

long overdue

Well, here we are and it has been at least a month, probably two, since I bothered to write. Anyways, I am long over due to write about summer.
We took our first family vacation! We technically went to see family but we stayed in a hotel and we don't make it there often so it was a change. It was a fun weekend of family and swimming at the hotel pool. I think the best part was visiting the City Museum in St. Louis. it was A-MA-ZING! I can't wait to go back when the kids are bigger. Caden had fun but we had to be careful where he crawled to as to not get lost or stuck in spot we couldn't get to him.  he loved the 2 story and 10 story slides....yes I typed that correctly, 10 stories.  The winding hike up was exhausting at the end of the day but we made it to the top and then back down. I highly suggest going if you find yourself in St. Louis. here are some pics.

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bottom of the 2 story slide

all the cousins together

like a skate park but for feet. Caden LOVED it.

a view up ....10 story slide

adult ball pit (i'm too lazy to fix the direction)

They become such good buddies!

After our time as a family in St. Louis ended, David drove back home and the boys and I stayed one more night at the hotel before heading to Chicago with my sister, her boys, and my mom.  We stayed there just under two weeks.  David and I have never been away from each other that long and he has never been away from the boys.  I think he enjoyed himself more then he let on =)  I enjoyed my time home and  got to spend some quality time with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew that I had not yet met.  I miss being close to home but am finally feeling settled in Kansas.

its been too long

I can't believe it is already July! I haven't written anything since May. I have thought about it but have been too lazy or busy to actually open my laptop and write.  I am loving summer and being home with my boys. David stops by the house for lunch when he can and sometimes gets done with work a little early and we head to the pool.
I have spent quite a bit of time at the pool and let me tell you, it is WAY easier when David is with me.  Caden wanders off a lot because he has no fear of water or strangers and apparently doesn't feel the need to know where I am at any point.  We invested in some fancy floaties to help give him the independence he was going for...but now I don't have to worry as much about him drowning.  He lost his courage over winter to jump in and swim back up and it has taken us til now to get back there.  I failed and didn't get him signed up for swimming (I hope that is not how I function forever!) but will for the fall and that will keep him engaged in swimming past the summer.
Coleman is following in his brothers footsteps, literally. Whatever Caden does at the pool, Cole is right behind him trying it out.  He jumps in, goes under, blows bubbles, tries to wander off into deep water.  He is actually more advanced than Caden was at the same age. I am considering signing him up for infant survival swimming so he learns to float on his back (we are close but he typically just tries to roll over and I don't know what I'm doing)
Cole is growing up so fast, babbles, still loves music and dancing, has a new love for our cats...I think they appreciate it since they don't get a lot of attention these days.  He constantly is antagonizing Caden and has shown me what we have to look forward to over the next 1/4 century....they should be getting along by then right?
Caden is 3...that is about all I have to say to sum up  what he is like right now right?  He tries to manipulate, get attention, break rules, push and find our boundaries and limits on a minute to minute basis. It is SO FRUSTRATING...but when I look back at it I realize he is normal (god, i hope this is a phase) and he is doing what he needs to do to develop his brain and understanding of the gigantic world around him.  I also forget he is 3 constantly....we need to a be a little more forgiving of his stage of development.
well I am not going to make up for 2 months of lost time in one post.....now i need to pay bills  bleh. here are some photos of our summer

this child LOVES to vacuum

a rare moment of them getting along

Father's Day

Playing in the sprinkler

where does the time go?

So here it is, it has been way too long since I have even thought about writing anything. There are so many things to write about but not many I feel like sharing with the world (...or the few strangers that actually read it). So instead I will share some photos of my family, who I love more than anything.  In the past month, Coleman turned one, Caden turned 3 (or maybe 13, I'm not sure some days) and David turned 34. I am soon to turn 33...bleh, lets not talk about that though.

He is the most serious baby I have ever met! 

I absolutely love this photo of Caden. Something about it makes him look little again.

my first attempt at a cake. I was pretty proud of it....and it was fun so I will try it again.

We had a small gathering of friends and family at our house to celebrate the Hodges Boys' Birthdays.  I am not a big party planner and hopefully I will get better at it as my kids get older and want more.  But for now, they are content with what we throw together....thank god for easy to please kids!!

he is 'free'

If you asked my son, Caden, how old he was yesterday he would have said 2. Today if you asked him he would say 'free' or three to the rest of us. He says it with such excitement and vigor. I can't imagine how exciting life is as a 3 year old, the littlest things can make (or break) his day.

He is officially 3!!!

I don't know if it was his birthday or just coincidence but Caden had one of the best days he has had in a long time. He was happy, fun to be around, curious, and playful. He cried once...but it was his party after all....because the pizza he made wasn't done cooking yet. When it was time for bed, he wanted to talk....about his day, about his birthday, about everything. I love these moments when I can feel his thirst for knowledge or understanding about the large world  we live in. It is really hard to shhh, him and tell him it is time for bed. So, since it is his birthday, I gave in and we chatted. It is nice to chat with a 3 year old.

He is such a great kid. He still loves music and is especially drawn to David's drum set. I guess that probably isn't too surprising...what boy wouldn't have fun beating on a drum.  He is silly is such a sweet and innocent way. He doesn't yet know that making jokes about poop and farts is funny and isn't trying to gross people out.  He wants to be helpful and is learning to be patient with his little brother. Just this morning I watched as Caden let Coleman into his room and shut the door. I stood in the hall way and listened to them play together. Caden was trying to show him how to do something.  (believe me, it isn't always this sweet) I can already tell that even though Coleman annoys Caden time to time, Caden is going to be a great big brother.

In his short 3 years in our lives he has grown up so much. We forget he is just turning 3 today.  He seems older than that and we are constantly needing to remind ourselves to put realistic expectations on him.  His teacher told us he has hit an independent streak at school. He wants to do everything himself, and they let him try until he asks for help. Thank god for that, I want him to have opportunities to try and be successful and at time to be unsuccessful and learn to ask for help.

for fun, here are a few photos over the last 3 years of this smart and sweet boy.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday to my sweet boy, you will be my baby forever!!!

Another milestone accomplished

So the much awaited time has finally come. Coleman is a walker...sort of. It is wobbly and only lasts a few steps before he falls or gives up for the easier route of crawling BUT he is trying repeatedly on his own.  I find him cruising down the hall way using the wall for support or anything that will be pushed along with him.  He as been seen taking up to 7 steps but most often it is 2 or 3.  I actually started writing this post a week ago, but wanted to capture the elusive walker on camera....didn't work so here is the best shot I got.

this is the "I'm going to walk" stance

Some parent dread this development. I hear things like, "just wait, you'll wish they hadn't started." or "He is going to get into everything."   Which the later doesn't even make sense...going from being on all fours to two doesn't really seem to effect his ability to get into stuff....he is already into everything.  By the way, he is also trying to climb everything too.

I see it as partial freedom. A child that can walk along with me, knees that aren't scraped by the rough concrete or wood chips. And possibly..I repeat, possibly less non food items entering his mouth.  I know he is still going to put things in his mouth but when you are crawling around on your hands and knees you are bound to find every last piece of dirt or sand or whatever to put into your mouth. But while standing you would think you would be less distracted by the things on the ground.  Another plus...he will wear himself out easier!

here is the preview of what he will look like in college...no clothes and bottoms up for a good drink.

Yes, it makes me a little sad that he is growing up so fast but I really enjoy the toddler stage. They are becoming little people with huge personalities and their own set of likes and dislikes.

365 days...no way!

a few minutes old

A year ago right now I was sitting in the mom and baby room doting over our newest addition to our family.  A year ago today he was just a little over 9 hours old. A good nursling and so far a good sleeper (he has had a year to prove the later wrong).

Coleman Kristian Hodges, with your middle name from your uncle I think you take a little bit after him, you do NOT like to sleep.  You tested our patience in the early months. You were a happy baby all day until night then the crying began and you slept for very short spurts at a time.  I had forgotten in the 2 short years since your brother was born what it felt like to be that tired.

You have turned into a little boy in such a short time. You have loved music from the beginning. Now you are dancing more than walking.  Dancing appears to be your favorite activity at the moment.....well dancing and driving your brother crazy.

I am proud that we have made it a whole year in our nursing relationship.  I never imagined  that I would be that mom that is sad about the idea of  weaning, which by the way, I am not thinking about.  We have had our ups and downs in the battle for a good night's sleep.  You were sleeping through the night so I now you will get there again....and that is one milestone I am ready for.

When I look at you it makes me wonder: what will you be like as you grow up? will you continue to be so influenced by music?  Will you continue to be a Momma's boy? Thank you by the way, I love how much you love me!

I do feel bad that you, as the second child, are getting a little cheated. Your special day was a little haphazardly put together and your brother stole most the attention away from you.  I'm sure there will be a ever changing tide of who gets the attention but I hope that on your special days you each feel as loved as you are.
Here are some photos of you over the last year....yes, there are a lot.

CHUNK!

having some birthday treats.